To all of the emotions,
I should start by proclaiming powerful words from a friend as a declaration to begin this letter;
”We are friends. Not because I longed for you or loved you, but because I love a Lover so great that He would not allow me to be named by anything other than His Love. We are friends because I am at peace with the state of my brokenness in this broken world, because I know the One who was broken for me and it is His brokenness that sets me free to be whole…”
This isn’t where our story began. I used to be so confused at how powerful you were within me. I used to believe, that, because you were so strong, something was wrong with me. Like the first time my therapist told me that I make something that is dime-sized into a train wreck within my mind. The deep overthinking that resulted in so many of you coming to the surface. I didn’t know how to contain you, suppress or even express you. All I knew was to hold you in, until you bubbled over and I turned into someone who belonged in a white room with pads everywhere (Here I go again… dramatic at best).
My heart was not to allow you to take up more space in my life, but, the harder I tried to work on that, the worse it became. Then I read the Psalms and Lamentations, and I realized I wasn’t the first created with this deepness of emotion. I looked at David’s and Jeremiah’s lives and, what I saw, was a realness I never suspected I would have and therefore a path to work through them WITH my God. I learned that my emotions will never dictate who or whose I am.
I didn’t see this deep feeling or deep thinking as a gift. However, that is what my Creator calls it. He gave me the ability to feel so deeply and think so heavily, that I was able to see Him differently. It was only then, that I understood you were good, created with a purpose within me, and we became friends.
As Jeremiah once said “Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope, The Lord’s lovingkindness indeed never cease. For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your Faithfulness. The Lord is my portion…” Lamentations 3:19-24a.